I'm OLD now!|
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|Friday, August 22nd, 2014|
The older I get, the more readily I understand how little I know. It also seems that I personally have to do things wrong a few times before I get them right. And that's ok.
YOLOing out to NYC was great in theory, but I'm very ill-prepared in practical ways. I have a fantastic group of people supporting me, and I'm ensuring that I'm doing the work I can do, just to show them my appreciation. It's a comfort to know that I'll be ok wherever I end up, and that kind of certainty is a new and welcome feeling.
Still, I miss Squeeze and the kind of hardfast sureness he brings to everything.
All of our paperwork is in for this apartment. Crossing my fingers and holding my breath, though it's likely we won't get it. It's nice to have a bit of a life again, even if that just means the ability to go outside and do things once in a while. I've been married to my computer screen for far too long, but I'm waking up from that sleep now and the real world is a fun and beautiful place.
I've got a lot of work ahead of me, but I'm kind of looking forward to the self-vindication I'll find.
|Thursday, August 21st, 2014|
It's been a solid two years since my last post. What a change.
I went to New York. I found the opportunity to sublet there, but I let fear and depression and anxiety control me. I seldom left the house, I backed out of social gatherings, and I found myself alone.
My main squeeze chose law school in Washington, DC, and I followed. I found a similar fate. The wrong people, the wrong opportunities, the wrong weather (ick). I got sick, I got better, I got a job, the job ended (it was seasonal). Squeeze found himself a 6-week internship in The Netherlands, to which I wasn't really invited.
I tried time and time again to be social during his absence, but plans fell through. People flaked on me or they had an emergency come up. I was all but alone for those 6 weeks, and I decided then that something had to change. I cannot spend my life bowing to the call and presence of another, but furthermore, that attitude wasn't what he wanted from me.
I've been unsettled and adrift for 2 whole years, and I feel the need to lay down a few roots. I miss having a home, both in my residence and my city. New York found me again, or I it, or something. I'm here now in a sublet, working an occasional coat check job in a bar and ever looking for more. Infiltrating NYC is among the hardest things I've ever done, but it feels right. I already have a small social network. People are decent here. They are busy, but I think happier than much of the country. People are considerate and conscientious on the street, and if you need help, they will actually help you. I'm very much in love with this city.
But I've also realized that I haven't planned very well for being here. Applying for a lease requires a guarantor, since I have no job to speak of and very little safety net. My financial records are in storage. My sublet lasts the month and then I need to be somewhere else.
Squeeze recently spent a few days with me here, though he lives in DC. We wandered Central Park, wined, dined, went row boating. I broke his home, his heart, and left him in DC, but all he seems to be able to do is love me. He wants me in NYC, since I want NYC, but he's reopened his home to me if I can't manage to stay in New York right now.
Whatever I need, he says. He'll support whatever decision I make, he says. I believe him. It's quite something to Know, not speculate, that you've found your romantic partner. Through virtue of his support for me, my decision to be here is, in fact, a joint decision. I'm not sure what I did to deserve him.
But I'm here. For what feels like the first time in forever, I have energy and motivation. I'm finally worrying about normal people problems like jobs and leases. And once I find those, I get to actually pursue what I want. I'll get to do theater work for the first time in 3 years, not counting that silly little church job.
In high school, I idolized the Bohemian life of poverty, and at least for now, I get to live it. It's crazy, stressful, and I'll concede maybe a little exciting. I'm here in the city of my dreams, supported by the man of my dreams. All that's left is the work I have to do.
Here I go to do it.
|Wednesday, August 15th, 2012|
"One dance left
We don't know who's leading who
Your arms have gone limp
And I just slipped out of your grasp
And though we might say we're alright
It's clear that we've stepped out of time
There's something quite telling just there
At the edge of your smile
And it's not that a heart has been broken
It's just sad when the flames start to freeze
The sparks that we had can no longer light up our debris
It's just part of us all growing older
There are some things that we don't want to see
And the heart is a thing ever changing
And love is something that will come and go with the breeze"
-Bright Lightx2, Debris
Some days are sort of ok. Others are, like today, miserable. I sit at work, putting on my best fake work smile and deal with the customers who don't care either way. I'm miserable at home. I'm miserable at my job. My friends are all as unhappy as I am, so seeing them offers no reprieve. Going out involves spending money, but I'm trying to save what I can for whenever I leave. I want a cushion, but the cost of a cushion is being unhappy.
I've talked to him about how miserable I am, and in the moment, he's receptive. He wants to help change the routine, provide company doing the things I want to be doing. It's all just words. He never demonstrates or follows through with his promises, and all it's taught me is that I can't rely on him. But, I figure, it's not his fault - he has lots of his own things to get caught up in. He has enough going on.
I feel like my only way out is to leave. It means leaving alone, no safety net, no support system, and by myself. It rouses some serious anxiety, and it requires some proactive energy spending that I don't feel like I have because I'm so depressed and unmotivated. The longer I go on, the more I know it's the thing I need to do. I'm just kind of dreading it.
It means leaving him, one way or another. I've finally found something comfortable and workable, which is great when cloistered. Getting closer to a friend of mine has given me a hint of what I'm missing, but I don't know if that's "Grass is always greener" imagery or legitimate. I don't want to hurt him, but my alternative is becoming as unaffected and neutral towards him as he is toward everything.
I've been telling myself I can wait for him to get out of here, distract myself in the meantime, but all of my distractions are falling apart. Currently, I have absolutely nothing finite to look forward to. My job is toxic. My social life is repetitive and depressing. My home life is dull and uninspired. Any move I make to spark some interest has no effect. Nothing I try makes any difference anywhere.
6 weeks from now, I'd have another legitimate distraction, but one that only takes up my time and focus. It doesn't help with productivity, self-improvement for the future, or anything else beneficial. I think the costs of staying have significantly outweighed the benefits of staying for quite some time. I'm paralyzed right now because I'm so alone in the effort to start my life and I have no direction to follow. But I suppose I'm the only one who's going to get me there.
I guess it's time to start tearing at the seams so I can start building again.
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.
|Tuesday, June 19th, 2012|
|Thursday, October 21st, 2010|
I'm a mediocre musician, and I don't work half as much as I should. I'm frustrated with myself. I should be more dedicated. I should be applying myself. It's hard to talk to people about feeling frustrated because they like to make excuses for me that I don't buy. I really wish I didn't have to work - then I could actually practice every day. I could actually work on my conducting. I could read my theory articles and be a little more prepared for class. I wouldn't have had to drop orchestration.
I ran into a keyboardist friend on campus tonight, and I felt like a stupid, lazy singer. This needs to change. I want to be better.
I just need to work harder.
|Wednesday, September 15th, 2010|
I need to be more positive.
My friends are breaking me of my codependent habits. I guess that's a good thing.
|Monday, September 6th, 2010|
Excuse me while I go slit my wrists.
|Monday, August 30th, 2010|
My head is a whirlwind of static right now, lightly smattered with blips of really excited screaming.
After actually sitting down and mapping out the courses I need to graduate, it looks like I may be able to graduate in May. I may have some strings to pull, and it means a CRAZY last term, but I'd be so excited to be able to get out of here a term early.
|Saturday, August 7th, 2010|
I feel more alone now than I've felt in a long, long time. I don't feel lonely about 60% of the time, which I think is progress. The difference being that lonely feels lacking and incomplete, while alone is just an observation. I don't know what to do anymore - I don't want to be housesitting, I don't want to have nothing to do, but I don't really care to push myself into the available circles. I should be less picky and then I'd be fine.
Oh well, I guess.
|Thursday, July 22nd, 2010|
My Internet is out, hopefully just for the evening, so I'm laying in bed typing this up on my phone. I'm glad the app saves drafts, because then I'm allowed to have little ADD moments and go peruse some website until I'm ready to type more.
I'm currently suffering from having eaten too much pasta (I know, I didn't think it was possible either) and I'm feeling very alone.
( Read more...Collapse )
Maybe some sleep tonight.
Posted via LiveJournal.app.
|Friday, March 19th, 2010|
It's spring break. I couldn't sleep until 3 last night. Missed the gym this morning - oh well.
I'm starting to resign myself to the idea that there will always be lots of things happening in my life. Sometimes it's ok, sometimes it's less than desirable. What can ya do?
I need to pick up my music theory effort. I need to practice more. I need to remember how to play the piano.
I'd rather just lay around and sleep.
|Saturday, February 6th, 2010|
|I just haven't met you yet
It's amazing how much time teaches you. Every relationship I've ever had has taught me more of what it means to be with someone, be someone. With every heartbreak, I get a better concept of Love. Capital Love, the big Love.
For the past two years, I've had a someone in the back of my head when thinking about a partner, a Someone. Now, though, it's starting to hit that it really can't ever work between us. It's ok (and reaffirming in a way) until I get lonely, but the loneliness passes. It's amazing to me that I'm starting to grow a kind of romantic confidence for myself, and I'm starting to stand up for myself. I didn't think this was the kind of person I could be. It's a rough road, sure, but it makes me feel like there is someone out there who I really can be with, who holds the same values and can treat me with the same respect that I give.
These sound basic, but they've been intellectual concepts in the past rather than emotional certainties.
This hurts a lot, but I take comfort in knowing that I will come out on top. I Will come out on top. He may not, and that's his choice - I've done what I can, and it's not my fault that he can't handle it. This is so new!
This growing up thing is funny sometimes.
|Friday, February 5th, 2010|
"'Cause I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all"
I used to agree with that lyric, but right now I don't want to feel anything. I described in detail exactly how to hurt me to someone, and they did it. Granted, it's one of the most inhumane things I've ever seen in my life, but here I am hurting.
And for the first time I feel truly helpless about it. I usually think about all sorts of scenarios in which I am able to fix the situation if I really feel like it. Right now, nothing will help this but time. I don't want to think a whole lot. I want to compose a few wonderful pieces and then not think for a great while.
I'll get better someday, but I'm just miserable right now.
|Friday, January 1st, 2010|
I don't want to feel anymore.
|Sunday, December 20th, 2009|
|Wednesday, December 9th, 2009|
I'm warm. I'm tired. I'm feeling hypersensitive and very romantic. I hate feeling this vulnerable. The least I can say is that I'm alone - thank goodness.
I want to exhaust myself. I'm a pretty in-shape person. I have direction, I have motivation, I have talents and qualities and I have ambition to use them. I want to exhaust myself. I want to put all of my life's energy into something. Something profound, something that will make a difference to someone. I want to be used up. I want to halt to a screech on the asphalt and know that I did something. I don't care if this thing kills me - in fact, I'd prefer it did. I have so much energy and so much ability and so much potential that I need
to be utilized.
In other news, I have worlds swirling in my heads. I could write a book with the right motivation and a bottle of wine. This isn't the kind of life's task to which I was referring, but it's a fact and it baffles me sometimes.
I love that I can have my own personal library and dog-ear the pages with passages that strike a chord within me. I should keep a journal of everything I've read that inspires me. Of course, then my bookcase would be less useful, but these words and ideas would be right at my fingers. Can you imagine?
|Monday, December 7th, 2009|
It's 12:30 am and I'm awake. I need to go to sleep - I haven't done nearly enough work but I'm just wiped. This weekend has been intense and wonderful, but I'm just tired.
Looking forward to next week when I can sink into the hot tub with a glass of wine and a friend or two.
Soon. Winter break winter break winter break.
|Saturday, November 21st, 2009|
I feel obligated to write something because it's been so long, but I don't have anything I want to talk about. My life at this point is stressful and frustrating and busy and disheartening. People are manipulative and deceiving and awful. Generally I want to lock myself in my apartment and not come out.
On the positive side, I have LOTS of things to do to occupy my time. I have a recital coming up in 2 months, I have a piano proficiency exam to prepare for, and finals to think about. Fuck being social - I'm a musician.
|Monday, October 19th, 2009|
Matthew (the artistic director for the NMGMC) is out of commission for a while, so the section leaders of the chorus had to run things tonight. Thanks to the help of our fabulous pianist, I ran my first sectional rehearsal today. For the first time, I feel like I could be a happy and successful choral conductor. This feels amazing.
I have lots of work to do!
|Friday, October 16th, 2009|
Go get your shovel
We'll dig a deep hole to bury the castle
I feel attractive for the first time since June. Let's see - things were weird with Matt Makofske up until my birthday (when I got dumped). I was in a funk and I buzzed my head. Then I went to Italy, which produced its own funk. Then starting school and money weirdness. Then moving and swine flu weirdness.
But today, I got a haircut and flirted with two gorgeous boys and I'm finally feeling a bit more confident again. I get lonely at night, and can't seem to sleep until I "Take care of a problem", but I feel a bit better in general. And it's about damn time.
I have a project, and that looks very promising.